Day 4

 

30/10/2024 - Wednesday

Saint Fatima, Heliopolis, Cairo

I told you yesterday that the big challenge is how to moderate my office days to be more productive. But, before going into this, I don't know why I feel that I was more productive before setting those to-do lists and writing down everything. I need to defeat every enemy of anxiety, negativity, and depression. I had a heavy night. Very heavy night. I had a strong headache because I am still suffering from the impacts of cold and flu. I had a hot drink, maybe it could help me to sleep. But, after all, I couldn't sleep. I was taken into deep waves of overthinking, and anxiety. I fought hard against bad feelings, I fought hard against these negative emotions. I  remembered all my past crushes. I remembered that I was letting down everyone around me because I felt that I was so cold, and slow in my thesis writing process, and I should submit the draft tomorrow or the day after tomorrow. And, I didn't write a word. All I have are the notes I took after reading the novel that I am studying for this chapter. I feel down. I can't find the energy I need to find. Am I adding more burden to my head? should I cast away anything regarding creating a balanced life and dedicate everything to my MA writing? should I stop everything related to my life, work, and hobbies, and focus on my MA to finish it in less than 5 months? 

Other thoughts stormed my mind. Will my family be ok? what if a bad thing happens? what if I die before my 30s? what if I die before finishing it, or before doing everything I want to do or achieve? I looked at the clock and found it at 5:30 am. I realized how much I was an idiot as I surrendered to them, and surrendered to these feelings. 

I left the bed, and walked a little around, breathing the fresh morning fresh air, and let all these bad thoughts out. Had my shower, morning skincare routine, listened to music, prepared my late breakfast that would have at my office after the 16-hour fasting, and drank my morning herbs. And, yes, I tried FALL makeup look. Went to work but I was exhausted, I didn't sleep. I was almost sleepy through the whole shift, and I don't know how I finalized the target. 

I got a call that I  have an event to cover on Sunday. Nice, it is the Cairo International Film Festival's press conference. November will be full of stuff, so I really need to finish this part of my thesis. 

I arrived home at 5 pm, and actually just had dinner, and fell asleep. I had good hours of sleep. Woke up at 2 am. 

I can't really describe this day. I can't see if I was good enough when it came to my anxiety. 

Hope you can help me.....

Rate of the day 5/10